Chapter 9: Powerless, Forgiveness, Bitterness - Stronger Women (2024)

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The purpose of Chapter 9 is for you to recognize that even though abuse in your life left a residual impact you are no longer powerless to your past. You CAN forgive and remove bitterness from your heart. By releasing these toxic emotions and burdens from the past you can become independent of your past and let God move more freely in your life.

As you begin this lesson, remember:

You cannot change the abuser, but you can change yourself. Arm yourself with knowledge so you can understand what you can change, and what you cannot. You do not have to repeat the past but in order to grow beyond it you must face the truth and learn from it.

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him to hammer a nail in the back fence every time he lost control of his temper. The first day the boy drove 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered that it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally, the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all.

His father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father led his son to the fence. “You have done well, but look at the holes in the fence,” he said, “When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like these nail holes. You can put a knife in a person and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say, I am sorry. The wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

What does this story have to do with you? Well, just like the fencepost in this story, you might have “holes” that never disappear. However, as your workbook states, “You can mend your fence or even build a new one.”

Throughout this lesson, you’ll explore what it looks like to mend your fence, how God can help you fill holes, and how to build satisfaction in this new life.

Hurt

If you’ve ever wondered how God allows for hurt and suffering, you aren’t alone. Howver, it’s important to know that your experiences DO matter to God, both the good and the bad – that includes what hurts you. He never wastes those hurts. Sometimes, when we are so deep in the abuse, and all you can feel is the hurt, you can lose sight of the future. God has a plan for you, and He will use all of your hurts and experiences for good.

In your notebook, reflect on the following question:

Have you ever struggled with the idea of praising God while you’re hurting? He wants to hear it – consider journaling to God and letting Him know your struggles.

In future years, you might be surprised how God is molding you and shaping you for amazing things you can’t fathom yet.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a challenging concept which might be why it’s discussed so heavily throughout the Bible. Despite our personal hurts, God calls us to forgive. If you struggle with forgiveness, you want to copy these verses and add them to your Notebook or write them down and place them in areas where you can see them:

1. God made it clear we need to forgive:

“Our Father in heaven, Hallowed by Your name. Your kingdom come, Your will be done. On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, But deliver us from the evil one, For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

— Matthew 6:9–13 (NKJV)

2. We must forgive others:

“Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

— Matthew 5:23, 24 (NKJV)

3. Forgive our enemies, for that is when you can truly be free:

“But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”

— Matthew 5:44 (NKJV)

4. God tells us that he will give us the patience to forgive:

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience, it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

— Proverbs 19:11(NIV)

A continuous question that so many of us have and we struggle as we watch women we love battle this problem. Stay for fear, stay for love, stay to avoid shame. Regardless of the reason, victims of abuse regularly find themselves going back to their abusers.

This often ties into the abuser’s role in the relationship. The abuser’s role is one of control or authority, such as a parent, spouse or partner, or boss. The victims’ strategy to survive the abuse is to emotionally bond with the abuser. The victim supports, loves and even defends their abuser because of the emotional bonding that occurs.

Emotional bonding occurs when all four conditions are to be true:

1. Perceived threat to one’s survival and they believe the threat is real.

2. Perceived small acts of kindness from the abuser.

3. Isolation from the perspectives of others or from information about the situation.

4. Perceived inability to escape the situation.

However, you CAN break free. You have to be ready and use the tools you’re learning throughout this course.

Many people said to my face, “Why do you stay with him if it’s so bad? Why don’t you just leave?” Behind my back I would hear people saying, “Well, if it’s really that bad, she should leave. That doesn’t make sense. She’s asking for it if she just stays. We can’t really help her, if she won’t help herself."
Stronger Women Participation Guide

Dr. Brooke Jones

Here are some other helpful reminders from this diagram:

• You receive a small amount of praise from the abuser and gain hope that this situation will improve.
• Your self-esteem is damaged. You begin to believe you are the cause of the trouble. Falsely thinking you can improve your treatment by acting “good.”
• Often you are isolated from your friends, coworkers, neighbors, and family members so the true reality of your situation is not apparent to them. The isolation makes your world smaller and smaller, and often the only link to the outside world is your abuser.
• Often the abuser’s demands and emotional ups and downs require enormous amounts of energy and time. Their behavior drains your energy level to exhaustion levels.
• The volatile nature and fear of the abuser requires you to sleep with one eye open. Sleep deprivation starts to play tricks on you. You become sleep deprived because you live in fear. Over time this distorts the truth and leaves you less able to differentiate your current situation from a healthy reality.
• Without the ability to set boundaries and stop the cycle, the chances you will run away continue to decrease. Even though your heart and body wisdom scream that this situation is not good for you, you are held emotionally captive.
• You grow too numb to discern and decode your feelings.
• You may not be physically confined, capture or kidnapped, but you are mentally conditioned to believe there is no ability to escape. In your mind leaving the situation is not an option.
• Even if you do “get away” they create so much drama in your life you still can’t get free. They hound you to get back together, threaten to take you to court, play cat and mouse games using the children as bait, harass you with repeated contact or stalk you in your movements.

Notebook Activity:

In what ways has your “normal” shifted?

Describe people or situations that make you feel this way?

What are ways you can keep this from happening again?

Powerlessness is a state of being where you feel powerless and victimized. Feeling powerless actually perpetuates a victim mentality and prevents you from moving forward. As a child, you might have been powerless, but now you have to choose to put those feelings behind you to gain power over your decision, life, and future.

Notebook Question:

Has anyone ever done anything in your childhood that left you feeling powerless?

Jesus tells a story about true forgiveness and how much he loves us no matter what. We know Jesus forgives us, so it helps us ease up and realize that we too can forgive ourselves.Peter was one of Jesus’ twelve disciples and the night of that last supper Jesus took great care with them washing their feet and being humble in their presence. Jesus tells Peter that before the night is over he will deny him three times. Peter says, “No way, God, that can’t be true. I love you.” Later that night Peter denies Jesus three times.How would you have liked to deny the Savior?Would you feel guilty and ashamed that you lied about him to others? Peter was left with a pretty heavy burden to carry for the rest of his life. Did Jesus hold a grudge? No. He came to Peter in the ocean. He loved him. He invited him to come have breakfast together. Then he asked, “Do you love me?” Peter replied, “Yes,” Jesus gave him another chance and asked him to be a fisher of men and serve Him.Jesus accepted Peter with open arms despite what he did in the past. Jesus gave Peter three chances to make right for each time Peter denied Him. Jesus is the God of second, third and ‘seven times seventy’ opportunities to redeem ourselves and reclaim our life through Him. Hallelujah!
Read this story in your Bible: John 13:6, 13:38, 18:25–27, 21:12, 21:15.

Stronger Women Participation Guide

Dr. Brooke Jones

Notebook Question:

Have you ever felt like Peter?

“He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” — Proverbs 28:13 (NKJV)

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” — James 5:16 (NKJV)

These are two powerful Bible verses on confession, sin, regret, and healing. Releasing regrets is part of your forgiveness process.

Notebook Questions:

1. What do you regret?
2. List areas in your life where you feel shame or guilt?
3. Describe your life if you were able to let that regretgo?
4. What steps can you take to make that possible?

No, no… not like you did during fire drills as a kid. However, it’s a fun way to remember these steps:

1. Stop regrets.
2. Drop to your knees in prayer.
3. Roll to keep yourself from the fire of self-hatred that destroys all God wants you to be.

Step 2 above was pray. Maybe you’ve never tried to pray before and don’t know how to get started. Consider using the prayer below as a guideline:

Lord I thank you Heavenly Father for this opportunity to serve you. I ask for your Holy Spirit to come now and cover me.

Anoint me and protect me Lord.

I ask you now Lord that you fill my holes now Lord.

Fill the hole of (specifically name the emotion or hurt: anger, fear, sexual abuse, pain, etc.) with your joy and amazing grace. Leave me noticeably changed from your presence.

Let me forgive those (or insert specific name(s)) that hurt me in my past.

I ask forgiveness for my sins and all resentment and anger to be released. Fill me with your love and grace Lord.

Now Father I forgive myself.

Protect us Father and in your name we pray. Amen.

Try to write your own forgiveness prayer. Forgive them. Forgive yourself.